Heart Break

My heart feels battered. I’m fried, worn out and battered. I’m ready for this feeling to stop. I’m not sure why it hurts so much.

This is one of the weirdest situations I find myself in. I don’t really have language for it. I feel like my heart is breaking and I’m being smushed up in the process. Something new is coming. I’ve no idea what. There’s no other options, I can’t stay in this place. It’s bloody awful. It’s easy to give pop psychology advice from a distance. There are a rare breed of people who have walked it. The ones that have lost so much and had their whole view of life rewritten.

I think my problem is: my whole working life is coming into clarity. Years of it. The things I once worked on - the stuff I feel I sacrificed big time - the risks - the boldness - it’s all crashing around me and I’m being challenged to change at such a fundamental level. Shit man. This is really effing scary.

What would you do if you once thought the dream you had - the thing you’ve worked towards for years - is not actually the thing you’re meant to be doing? How would you feel? Embarrassed? Confused? Beat up with failure? Frightened? I’m feeling all those things, multiple times a day.

I thought I was going for what I wanted but suddenly that rug has been sharply snatched. More accurately, the rug got set on fire and I’m running off it. I don’t know where I’m heading. This weird thing has come out of me. My surest passion and talent feels limited and suddenly very dull. The years of training, refining and effort don’t make any sense. I’m being honed down to a very uncomfortable place and trying new things. I’m literally out of options. The only thing I think makes sense to do is write. I want to write everyday. I’ve no idea why. But words are coming out of me. I’m looking back and analysing work that I created and what was I truly proud of? Shit, it’s very sensible and safe and not going anywhere near who I really am. And that is really scary. I’ve been forced into this place. And this is the stuff that I’m starting to say.